My motherhood struggles

I battle daily with my mind. It's quite unfortunate that I can now see that I need to seek help for my own health as well as my children's.
I'm thinking if I can understand my own mind better I may understand my boy a little  more.
Am I silly for thinking that?
Does that make you (whoever you are) think different off me?
What do you perceive when you read my worries?
Should I be concerned about the consequences of my actions by speaking out loud?
I'm not done but I have a testing in the morning I do need to get my head space.
Goodnight
For now

Quotes

Emotional is thy mother

Just because I am strong
enough to handle the PAIN,
Doesn't mean I deserve it.

I am really struggling as a mother and wife just now.
Sadly I feel if I don't talk about my feelings that I will bottle them up to the point I explode.
This blog was meant to be about my son and our journey together 😔
With light being at the end of the tunnel so to speak'
Some days like today I feel my super strength has gone and I'm just a silly woman who can't even get the right support for her child!
Yes I am..
To some I know anyway
Oh to be a fly on the wall in our house would open up Pandora's box in some people's deluded minds!
"Parenting?? 'Yeah it's a blast sweetie, my boy tonight was hallucinating!" 👊👊

Stupid stupid people who can't see a mental disability therefore it's not possible!

You just can't argue with stupid though 😔
......

Mum worries 🙈

Ok so I know us mums worry over silly things and get uptight ALOT lol
I've just had one of those "my poor boy" days and felt so useless I guess.
He's actually been pretty good still so I know this is is all on me 😭
See the school had their photographers in a few weeks back and to be fair I knew he wouldn't be keen on getting his dome as he hasn't had them the past 4 yrs or so anyway.
This yr however is his last in primary school. Unbeknown to me they had a group photo taken the same times and unfortunately it was his morning off so he didn't get.
I have this urge to cry out to the school..
"Why didn't you tell me?" "Why is my boy not in his last class photo?" "Why did nobody think this might seem unacceptable?"
I realise they probably didn't mean to miss him out. I do get the fact they don't revolve around us.
It just saddens me that he's not part of a photo that will hold memories to his youth.
His absence has already impacted on his friendship with his peers.. or lack off.
He's already the one missing out on the chats at break and the after school meet ups. Does it not occur to anyone that this may have again a detrimental effect on his future friendships?
Am I just being the paranoid mum?!
Probably...
But surely that makes me just a loving mum xxx

Forgot to take his meds 😱😱🙈

Oh my...
So we had an early rise today even though it's a bank holiday.
Had to go food shopping 😓
He wanted to stay at home for the hour on his own and he is more than careful so I said ok. Anyway gives him his meds to take about 9am and he went upstairs with them as his drink was in his room..
It's now 2.30 in the afternoon and he's just came down for food and to show me he forgot to take his meds 😱
Awww man I'm like "you can't bloody take them now you'll be up all night" lol..
I'll leave this here just now and shall provide the results of the day later on haha
Wee tube that he is.
He's in a good mood just now so it's looking to be successful but that can all change 👌🙈

Xbox fever

I shall start by saying I am well aware that as a parent to 3 kids and one on the spectrum, that computer games can have an additional impact on their behaviour.
Whether they have a disability or not it can be addictive.
Any how we have the fever again 🙈
I don't mind him playing a few hrs but when more than one friend is in a chat with him he can become very agitated..
Sometimes even just the one friend online is more than enough as he can't handle being beat.
It's strange however that the past couple of days he's been not too bad when it comes to the arguing. 👐
Good!! But strange lol
Maybe the new meds are kicking in or it's the warmer weather but he's found his sarcasm again (like his mother) haha
It's nice seeing him this way again ❤
My boy has smiled more this week than in a long while..
He has been a little better with doing things I've asked but still struggles daily to remember anything if his mind is elsewhere, which it usually is lol
So now the Xbox fever has kicked in again let's see what it brings 🤞🤞
Hopefully the boy who's lost inside his own little mind can appear some more in his calmer self.
I do love him so so much I doubt he will ever really know xx

New meds

So we were back at the pediatrician yesterday.. his meds have been changed to hopefully suit him better due to both his age and how he felt the other ones weren't working 🙈
Thing is I don't want my baby to be on meds for the rest of his life. No parent does.
However he needs them just now. He's a different child without them. More irritable and anxious mostly. He doesn't know what to do with himself when he's not taken them daily..
At the end of the day if my boy feels 'normal' and calmer with meds then so be it.
He can hopefully work on his own as he gets older he will be able to understand himself better I hope..
Anyway today 1st day and we have a nice calm boy atm..
That could change within minutes tho lol so I won't tempt fate 😂
Having a lovely day cleaning the house with the beautiful weather outside.
Hope everyone else is having a great day x

Oh and we are waiting on asd assessment now too so fingers crossed it's not too long 🤞🤞

A refusal day

Yesterday we had a "no meds day"
His choice btw 😩
So we had the usual, up at the crack of dawn talking about random stuff. The next up gets his sister (2yr old running wild since way before the rest)
So she comes downstairs to a charade of abuse because she was tapping the wall on her way down 😩
Anyway that was just the usual..
The shouting started because deciding what to have for breakfast seemed to be too much hard work 😥

All this while I'm just concentrating on breathing!!

It's hard bloody work being a parent of a child with an undiagnosed condition!
I don't know if telling him off is really the right thing to do anymore!
If we have a child with PDA then we really have to be careful with our tone of voice as well as the words we choose, all the while being aware of what the outcome may be either way!

There are days where he can't even tie his shoe laces, his mind is doing 300mph between subjects that the thought process becomes non existent.

People actually just don't understand.
I wouldn't even say it's ignorance, I just think it is such a highly complex disorder it can be confused simply with behaviour issues

I worry so much about what the future holds for our son.

I lay with him til 1am the other night.
Just trying to understand him more😢
He just kept trying not to cry..

I wanted to burst into tears but I couldnt.
He can't cope with crying

His little friend had tackled him at football and stood on his new football boots 😫🙈

Honestly you would think his world had ended..
He doesn't understand that in life there will be so many bigger problems he will have to overcome
The world is black or white for my amazing but sad little boy.

I don't know where to turn but here.
The power of social media is phenomenal
If I can reach the right people I can get the right support for my son!
It may be a long shot but my instinct is never to give up.
I can't go shouting around a hospital or school.. It just doesn't cut it.
To be taken seriously I need to show patterns in his behaviour. PDA kids can mask so much around people they don't know so well
At home is when most of the aggressive behaviour shows.

It's late.
I hope to add some links in future to this blog but tonight I'm done 👍
Thanks for reading

Short introduction

Ok, please bare with me 

I've never written a blog before. Other Pages and groups on Facebook have been my go to up until recently. 
Tbh I didn't realise the possibility I may have to shout farther than just the realms of Facebook.
Anyway I hope that by writing this blog I can help my son through his childhood with positive parenting.
My boy is what some may refer to as an 'Intense child'.
He is Jekyll and Hyde by character.
Life can be difficult for us as a family of 5, being the eldest for him is actually quite stressful..
*note you will find throughout my wording I will avoid naming my children.
This is particularly important to me as first and foremost, This is about a child and his family. A child with a surprisingly NOT SO RARE condition. (It's late, condition is probably a wrong choice of word) 
I do not wish for my children to experience unnecessary attention simply because I need a place to scream. I'm hoping that the anonymity gives my blog a certain cover for me to ask the world for help indirectly.

Boy do we need help.

If you happen to be a qualified child psychiatrist or the equivalent then please hear my cries.

Anyway that's an introduction into my reasons for writing here. When I can..  I hope by speaking about our struggles I can offer additional support for other parents out there experiencing similar problems in recognising they are not alone.
I've been fighting for 8 yrs now and still we struggle.

Thanks for reading.
Goodnight all x